Digital Chaos Media

If you can’t understand this, then what will you understand?

This one speaks pretty well for itself.  Also, that’s Murray Feldman at the beginning of the clip.  He’s a reporter for Fox Detroit, and used to be my neighbor which I know you’re going to pretend you don’t care about, but there’s no sense lying to yourself.  He was also addicted to Meth and lived with three teenage runaways:

The real story here is that a man was suspended naked from a ski chair for a significant amount of time.  But as With Leather points out let’s not sidestep the fact that a young, unrelated child was the other person sitting in the chair when this man fell out of his seat, got caught by his ski, somehow had his boot remain in the binding, and was depantsed by God gravity.  Imagine you’re that child.  Staring down into the blinding abyss of a tiny, frozen pecker thinking My penis is going to stay this small forever!?  No, young one, hopefully not.

I’ve got to say, though, my favorite part of this story, and the ensuing photographs, comes when they try to get the guy dislodged.  As you can see, one of the expert manhandlers decides that the best position to take is directly below the man’s ass.  Why, oh lord, why would you put your face directly underneath this guy’s shit cannon minutes after he’s displayed an appaling lack of control over his own body?  Your yellow helmet ain’t gonna save you now, mountain patrolman.

What?  I don’t know.  Here’s what I do know: if you plan on getting arrested tonight, try as best you can not to leave your house in a milkable cow outfit.  People on the interent will get a hold of your mugshot and make fun of you.  For the rest of your life.  And your childrens’ lives will most certainly also be ruined.  The Smoking Gun presents this year’s most fantastic mug shots.  Enjoy.

I’m fairly certain the market is going to go down one million points today, save for the Treasury bailing out the Big 3 with money I’m pretty sure wasn’t meant for the auto industry, but whatever… the point is I’d rather be writing about stories that involve witchcraft and the date 2008 in the same paragraph.  This story is from September, so I’m sorry if I’m a little behind you can kiss my ass if you’ve already read about it:  a soccer game in the Congo was interrupted by a riot sparked due to accusations that one of the players on the field was applying witchcraft to his baller-ass game.  As the riot picked up speed, police believed the best course of action for controlling the escalating violence was to shoot off their pistols in the air.  Shockingly Fucking obviously that strategy didn’t work, and 13 people ended up being trampled to death all because some soccer player couldn’t keep his wand in his pocket.  I think it goes without saying that this fiasco is to be blamed on Ron Weasley.  All those in support of Kick a Ginger Day, say aye!

While not recommended by this author, eating smurfs may have distinct artistic benefits.  I present exhibit A:

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are apparently being forced to re-test and re-examine their use of a batch of Taser guns manufactured prior to 2006.  The Tasers, which are used as a non-deadly alternative to cooler manlier more effiecient bullet shooting weapons, have been brought into question because sometimes people’s hearts stop when you zap them with 50,000 volts of electricity.  In fact, some dipshits critics say that over 250 deaths have been caused by Tasers since 2001.  Let me tell you this: if somebody is holding a Taser to you, horsey-cop or not, do what they tell you to do.  In the event that they shoot you, not only are you left without a cool bullet wound for showing off, but you’ll probably poop yourself as you shake about on the ground for the enjoyment of millions of future YouTube viewers.

Chad Johnson is making about $6.5 million this season (which, oddly enough, is more than Randy Moss and less than Braylon Edwards), and darnit if he isn’t going to save at least $100 of that by shopping at 5:30am in the morning at Best Buy on Black Friday.  It probably doesn’t make sense to poke fun at Ocho Cinco about being frugal when most pro athletes are busy spending their money on Bengel Tigers and electromagnetic pogo sticks, but still, you’d think maybe he could get some sleep and dream up a way to catch a pass once in a while.  Plus, what is he wearing?  Nerd.

The best part of the story?  According to the Cincinnati Enquirer he told reporters that he was shopping for gifts for Marvin Lewis, but the coach wouldn’t answer his crack-of-dawn phone calls when Ocho called him for ideas.  Poor Marvin.  Everybody thinks he sucks at his job, but really, how could you possibly tell when he has to coach a bunch of felony-prone, dysfunctional jackasses like the Bengals? [Read more →]

I don’t know why this is so freaking awesome, but it is.  0:48 is the best part.

Here’s to a brand new day in America, I’ll commune after dinner service.

- revolutionarywarfare

I’ve spent much of the last three years in and around this neighborhood–it’s not a bad neighborhood, I live around the corner from Columbia Presbyterian hospital, but it does have a certain vibe about it being near the hospital.  You see a lot of people in pain walking around–young men milling in line outside of the men’s shelter, kids hobbled by casts, elderly ladies pushing oxygen tanks, people chain smoking nervously outside the ER, carrying flowers and along with a visible burden through the front doors.  And there’s this one guy who I think captures all of that emotional turmoil. [Read more →]